Look at your apartment. Do the dishes in your sink house a small ecosystem? Does your nightstand harbor more than one abandoned carton of greek yogurt? Is there a pair of jeans left in the middle of the floor from where you just stepped out of them? If the answer is yes, yes, and yes, sit tight. After careful research, our team has all the answers on how to effectively not organize your life.
STEP 1: PREGAME YOUR CLEAN
Stare at your mess. Stare at the clock. Assess how long it will take you to clean. Can you fit an episode of Scandal in before you start cleaning? Decide yes. Will drinking a small glass of wine during Scandal make cleaning more fun? Also decide yes. Watch three episodes of Scandal instead of one, drink half a bottle of wine, get mildly drunk.
STEP 2: DEAL WITH YOUR DENIM
Pick your pants up off the living room floor. DO NOT put your jeans back on—I repeat, DO NOT jail your legs in that denim prison once again. Instead, carefully place jeans in a clothes hamper. Tell yourself you will have these washed for your date on Saturday, do not actually wash jeans, put them on in a last-minute rush, and hope your date does not notice the pizza stain on your thigh.
STEP 3: APPROACH MOUNTAIN OF DISHES
Load dishes in dishwasher and actually wash a load of dishes. Examine remaining dishes in sink. Can you finish the dishes in another load in the dishwasher, or should you wash them all by hand? This is a trick question; why would you wash dishes by hand? To be effective? As if. Subsequently forget to unload clean load of dishes and leave stray dishes in the sink.
STEP 4: ORGANIZE YOUR CRAP
Pinterest is great for first-class organizing tips from the professionals of the organized world, AKA 30-year-old, stay-at-home moms. Surf Pinterest. Pin your wedding. Remember why you got on Pinterest. Notice cute organizational boxes with labels. Buy a label maker on Amazon. Wait two days. Receive label maker. Carefully label your clear, plastic storage containers with the names of specific objects to organize. Never get around to organizing objects and dump them all in the container marked “Miscellaneous.”
STEP 5: DON’T START BY MAKING THE BED
When cleaning the bedroom, some people will tell you to start with making the bed. I say why not start by using the bed? Take a short nap. When you wake up, make the bed, pick up all your stray clothes, clear off your nightstand, vacuum the carpet, light a few candles, and then invite one (or both!) of the Hemsworth brothers in to your bedroom for a tour and light appetizers. Then actually wake up from your nap, realize your bedroom is still a mess and it was all a dream. Go back to sleep.